Let's Jazz Up These College Nicknames

I was driving in my car when the little man in the radio said "tonight, the West Virginia Mountaineers host the LSU Tigers. West Virginia has a nickname that fits. They are, after all, the Mountain State. But other than the tiger in the cage in Baton Rouge, I have never seen a tiger in Louisiana. So, I have naturally volunteered my services and will try to rename a few names that seem appropriate.

University of Texas Longhorns-Really a fitting name...But whenever anyone comes to visit and they see those uniforms the band wears, they say "I told you it was this way in Texas." So we change the name to the Yahoos, in honor of the band uniforms and the boys that run onto the field in the Orange lame' cowboy suits while escorting their hallowed mascot Bevo. The Texas Yahoos. The helmets will have a big Y. Maybe they get a deal with Yahoo.com. to enhance the Longhorn network.

University of Arizona Wildcats will be changed to the Pollos and the helmets will have a big chicken on it. This will be in reference to all the illegal aliens crossing the border, called Pollos, or chickens in Spanish.

If U of Houston keeps the name Cougars, the logo has to have an outline of a woman in a tight dress smoking a cigarette while sitting on a bar stool, because there are no animal cougars in Houston except at the zoo.

Arizona State is pretty close with the Sun Devils, but how about "The Bubblers"? The helmet could have a house with a foreclosure notice on it in honor of the housing bubble in the Valley of the Sun.

Ohio State changes to the Ink Dogs in honor of the tattoos. The helmet has a tattoo artist sitting on a stool wearing a beret.

There's not too many bears in the Bay Area, so U Cal Berkley gets changed to the Bongsters in honor of the heritage laid down by the hippies of Haight Ashbury. The helmets could have the five fingered leafed plant, with a special Nike Combat uniform with all numbers designed as bongs and rolling papers.

Miami is hurricane country no doubt, but how about renaming the team the Wise Guys, in honor of all the East Coasters who think there are only two places in the world, Miami and Jersey.

Kentucky goes from the Wildcats to the Stillmen. Helmets have the new logo which is a jug of corn squeezins.

Southern Cal changes from the Trojans to the Country Clubbers and their helmets sport the tennis racket and golf iron criss crossed like the bones on a skull and cross bones . This is, after all, the school where mommy and daddy send you if you can't make the cut to Stanford.

Arkansas goes right to the name Hillbillies. Great marketing possibilities with any number of symbols for the helmets.

UTEP goes from The Miners to the Cartel. No big explanation needed being on the border with Juarez.

The Sooners of Oklahoma immediately change their name to the University of Oklahoma Texans in honor of all the Texas players on their football team. It just fits.

Oklahoma State changes their name to the T-Bones in honor of T-Boone Pickens and his generosity to the athletic department. Possibly dollar signs on their helmets or one of Boones new windmills.

UCLA immediately changes the name to the Surfers and has a surfboard on the helmet. When's the last time you saw a bruin in L.A.?

At Texas A and M, we rename them the Turf Kings. It is the home of agriculture correct? But we name them the new name because they recently changed to Astro Turf on the football field to keep the homecoming queen from eating the grass....(The world's oldest joke, had to say it.)

And finally, pick a team, any team in the SEC and rename them the Rednecks.

No Alcohol Served at this Game; Miami Part 2

I had to go to Waco this weekend to see my daughters volleyball team play in a 4 way tournament at Baylor. The football crowd I encountered was unlike any I have ever been a part of.

I had tickets on the front row of Baylor-TCU. The last game I went to was a late start at Reliant about 7 years ago when the Texans were playing the Jets on a 3 o'clock kickoff. During the 3 o'clock kickoff, the fans still start the early morning tail-gating and the result is with the later kickoff, they are a ton more inebriated. Honestly, taking kids to a game where you have to walk around vomit and answer question about why the guy leaning on the the wall is sick is a total drag. Plus, the fighting is really getting out of hand. I always feel it's a successful year if I don't get sucked into a Texan game. The best seat is in your living room.

At Baylor they do not serve any alcoholic beverages at the athletic contests. Baylor is a Baptist school. Their opponent TCU is also a Christian based University (this is not an endorsement for any religion).

What was readily apparent was the lack of "that guy". You know who that is...the guy who is blasted out of his mind who is lacing a profanity in every other word. That guy is the man who makes it really crazy to go to a game with children or even by yourself because he is belligerent and a fool. That guy is the dude who says your team sucks. That guy was absent at the Baylor game. And I sort of liked it a whole bunch.

I don't begrudge anyone who can sensibly partake an alcoholic beverage at an athletic contest. Baseball would probably draw 50% if you couldn't have a beer at the ole ballgame. And, I really don't know what the answer should be. I only know that this weekend there were passionate fans rooting their hearts out for their respective teams, and these same fans gave respect when the other team made a great play.

I was able to appreciate this atmosphere because I haven't had a drink for quite a few years. I have went to games in the past where I did drink, but kept the foolish behavior down. It was a nice scene for a game played in a really different atmosphere.

As for the game, it was a track meet, a real fan's delight. Robert Griffin was a young Randall Cunningham. Some say Mike Vick because of his athleticism. I say Randall Cunningham because he really throws a fantastic ball. As a receiver, it is the type of ball you would like to catch. He has a great arm and tremendous speed. He is a world class hurdler in track. The game was off the chart. Follow Robert Griffin. He appears to be the real deal.
**********************************************************************************
I was lucky enough to tour the Baylor Basketball training room and practice facility. The basketball teams training room is 6700 square feet. It has everything you can think of inside. The facility at Baylor would be the envy of most pro basketball teams. The stereo system costs $80,000. I won't bore you with all the details, but the dumbells have a grip about twice as big as a regular one at the local gym. This is because basketball players have bigger hands and this will give them a better forearm and wrist workout. Nothing, and I mean nothing is left to detail. The weight racks are 9 feet high to account for tall people.
*********************************************************************************
There are 2 great articles I will give you links to about the Miami scandal. There was one thing I mentioned that really struck me as wrong about Shapiro. He is a world class liar and the journalist, Mr Robinson, seemed to take his word for granted.
Consider that you have boats, prostitutes and booze. So what is the missing ingredient in all this? Drugs, and of course, there was no mention of this. Why was there no mention? Because Shapiro does not want to open that Pandora's Box and get the drug people handing him more prison time. Also, there was no mention of Mr. Shapiro's letter to a judge asking him to free his father in the late 90's on a big embezzlement charge. Why was this left out. Again, there were some NCAA violations, just not as big as they were sensationalised in Yahoo. com. In some ways Robinson was sucked in much like the people Shapiro embezzled the 900 million from.

To me, Frank Haith, the basketball coach was painted very unfairly with a broad brush. I personally know George Fernandez the assistant coach at Miami. He has taken in former players after graduation to help them while they are getting their feet wet in the world of employment. This is after they graduated, so there is no underlying motivation. He is a very solid guy and to me it's total BS that he goes through any of this because of any guilt by association. I have met George's dad who used to coach with one of my old Miami coaches, Dick Hickox. Again, I cannot state what a solid guy George is and what a flimsy heresay bunch of garbage Shapiro has on him. Any evidence against him and Mr. Haith are flimsy and I would bet false. I will say it here: Haith and Fernandez did not jeopardize their jobs for 10 thousand dollars.

Check out Jason Whitlock's article by clicking below:
http://msn.foxsports.com/collegefootball/story/Jason-Whitlock-Yahoo-Nevin-Shapiro-Miami-Hurricanes-scandal-082811

Also, Matt Taibbi has a very good article on this at:
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/taibblog/sportswriters-rally-to-the-cause-of-unpaid-labor-20110826

Ain't It Great...To Be..A Miami Hurricane

When the Man Pictured, Charles Robinson of Yahoo! Sports comes knocking on your door, You best get out of town.

In about 1994 I told my oldest son that I would love to take him to a real stadium, Sun Devil Stadium, to see a game on a real grass field instead of this damn Astrodome. The opportunity finally presented itself, Miami was playing the University of Arizona at Sun Devil Stadium for the Fiesta Bowl. Being a Miami Alum, I hadn't been to a Hurricanes game in over 20 years. Plus, I grew up in Sun Devil Stadium, going back to when it held on 30 thousand people. My dad played for the Sun Devils and I was a brainwashed Wildcat hating Sun Devil fan (since then I have come to realize being a rabid fan is mostly BS).

During my visit to Phoenix, I paid a visit to the hotel the Canes were staying at to see a good friend, the late great Sonny Hirsch, the voice of the Canes and the funniest guy in the world. I was at Sonny's show, and it was the greatest. While at the hotel, I noticed the lack of control and how the football players were running around wild. Oh well, its a Bowl Game and kids will be kids. A friend said his wife was going to the Hurricane Club party that night and would I like to come. Since I never went, I agreed.

To my dismay, at the party, the same cheerleader that was legendary at Miami when I was there, was introduced as "the Mouth of the South" and did the same old tired cheers we used to have at our games. Ain't it great, to be, a Miami Hurrr AH Cane as well as a bunch of mumbo jumbo being yelled out to our unofficial fight song, "The Land of 1000 Dances". I left after about a half hour of bad memories. The next day I saw the perpetrators in sombreros under a souvenir stand with severe hangovers. The thing that really stood out was the old people with money that were escorting the players. I guess if you can't do much of anything for kicks anymore, you can always buy some friendship with a young athlete who is probably broke.

Athletes on a boat in Miami? Are you kidding! Any jock in the school could get invited to go on a boat. This is Miami and they were everywhere. Just go over to a frat house and someone will eventually ask you. Good looking women and cocktails. Miami is not exactly some Midwestern outpost where the women are eating bon bons all winter, dressing like Eskimos and putting on an extra 40 to 50 pounds. (As a side note, it cracks me up when these snowbound schools are rated in the top 25 in the party ratings. Although, it is probably so miserable when you don't see the sun for 9 straight months, being an alcoholic is maybe a good alternative. Hey lets go skinny dipping in the lake. Its a warm 10 above zero.)

Many of us got invited on boats. In fact, one time our guys didn't go and the boat capsized and mangled a really good guys leg and dumped the passengers in a bed of Man O Wars. So partying on boats has always been a Miami staple.

Charles Robinson does monumental research. His graveyard tombstones include, USC, Jim Tressel, North Carolina and more. The difference with Miami is this is a number one booster. Ohio State's booster was a 3rd tier booster. Miami had a ton of players on this deal, USC and Ohio State only a few. Former Miami AD and AD while some of this went down, Paul Dees, laid it on big and showed no mercy for USC in his role in advising the NCAA. Now the tables are turned on the program he ran. What will justice bring?

I hope this is all a lie. Shapiro is after all a professional liar. You have to be a very exceptional liar to embezzle people out of 900 MILLION DOLLARS. Still, I saw people in pictures I know. Pete Carol never hung with Reggie Bush's bagman and posed for a picture. Yet the head Basketball Coach and University President posed with Shapiro. This is just way too wierd. He said they knew. They were paid off and used his money for a student lounge and to recruit a player.

Why is it always the little Napoleonic complex guys, the midgets, that want to hang with the jocks? What's so special about being with someone that you have to buy their friendship? Most College kids will accept booze and boat rides. Bill Russell had it correct when he wouldn't sign autographs. He said kids should ask for their parents autographs. Bill Russell was right.

I have received opinions all day about this from my former team mates. I will put them out in a later post. They show no mercy to our school. Miami is not alone, but it is a place that can take craziness to the next level due to the unique sun soaked atmosphere.

Yesterday my Miami hat came in from Amazon. I decided to buy it because a real hero, Will Allen, the captain of our/my basketball team, is always wearing that hat. Will was our first Afro American basketball player at Miami. He is a difference maker (www.growingpower.org). He is feeding the poor of Nations, speaking at big universities and addressing the concerns of organic healthy food and making it available in blighted neighborhoods and third world countries. I want to end this on a good note. So, when you think of Miami, put Will Allen in your search engine and read about someone who was a really special Hurricane.

The Sleazy World of Basketball Recruiting

Editor Note: This column is not a blanket statement of all AAU coaches or situations. It is not an indictment of the players who play 4 and 5 games a day auditioning for coaches. It is about a system that is just out of control and my experiences with it. It is not intended in any way shape or form to indict the hundreds of guys who volunteer their time and do it the right way. The guys who have no motivation except to help kids better their situation. These are the unsung heroes.

David Salinas seemed like one of the good guys. Did I really know him? No, I talked with him at a high school game when he wanted my son to switch teams. He made a very persuasive low key presentation about why Houston Select would be best for my son. Personally, I felt all the switching around and hopping from the team to team was one of the problems with the summer world of AAU basketball. My son had committed to a team and decided to stay with it. It was a good team, one of the top 5 in the country the year before.

David Salinas was found on his water craft dead, a victim of suicide. A real tragedy for his family and the people associated with him. At last count, Coaches were bilked out of over 8 million dollars....or so it appears. Hopefully they find the money. Apparently it is gone. I have to say the coaches have shown a ton more restraint than I would have. Maybe the ones still employed don't want to talk too loudly because they know the NCAA may come around.

I always heard David had coaches investing with him. The guy who told me said it was life long coaching friends. I never connected the dots. In fact, the smartest guy in the whole situation was Tom Penders. He told Salinas up front that it did not seem right, that with Salinas' control over players, it looked like too grey an area for him to get into.

Salinas was great friends with Rice University coaches. Rice is a school no coach from other schools will talk down about. They do not compromise on academic standards and the kids they get attending that school have in general, great character. Who can doubt a guy who associates with guys as good as the people from Rice? You've heard of guilt by association, well in David Salinas' case it might have been innocence by association. To read more about this fascinating case click below:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1188681/index.htm

******************************************************************************

A young man gets asked to commit to a school he wants to attend. Before the biggest camp of the year, the ABCD camp, where high schoolers like LeBron James among others will attend, the young mans dad and player are advised to go through with the recruiting process.

When the young man goes to camp, he plays well and gets some good ink on the various internet sites. The local school goes to every game he plays in and makes it look apparent that they are interested in this player. The player keeps playing well throughout the summer season from the local school as well as many high major hoops powers. The AAU coach keeps telling the player to go through the recruiting process. One time, when Colorado State was talking to the player, the AAU coach grabbed the phone and blatantly asked the assistant for some ski lift tickets. It wasn't a joke either. To the college coaches credit, he said he didn't know where he could even get any for himself. The coach kept persisting and asked for tickets and an exhibition game, with a hint hint but not outright said, that he could deliver said player. ( An exhibition game is not legal, but was a way for the various AAU teams to play the college teams on their first game. They would get paid 10 to 40k per game depending on the school, and get some ex college players to suit up and pay the players a hundred a game and pocket the difference. Nike and Adidas supplied these guys free unis and shoes, so they already had it all. )

All of a sudden the players phone stops ringing and there is panic. This player is too good for this to happen. Luckily, the player is connected to a former college coach and he ends up getting a scholarship. The coaches that come around say that they were looking at him, but with the local coach making it known they wanted him, they figured local kid, local school and they backed off.

After the player is in college for a year, his parents receive a call from an above board AAU coach who says the reason he stopped being recruited by the local school and other high major D-1 schools is that the AAU coach said he would deliver this player with an exhibition game and the money that comes with it...unbeknownst to the parents or the player. The father told me that he got to talk with the local coach (since fired) a couple years later. This coach was a really nice man and the father wanted to let him know they had no clue that this had happened and was really sorry. The bad part was the coach could have really used this player.

And that is one of the big problems with the AAU summer circuit. I have had countless parents tell me how mad they were because the AAU coach got paid for their kid going to a school and they got nothing. Now, I never heard this said about David Salinas, or the Houston Hoops for that matter. In fact, most of the players loved David from what I saw. And most coaches said the Houston Hoops were a class act.

I have seen some kids have a choice of 2 schools, with one being an obvious great fit, only to choose the worst of the 2 because the AAU coach got paid.

Again, I don't want to label all coaches in AAU this way or all college programs. Just know it goes down. It happens fairly often. An old saying used to be "Chicago kids know what they are worth." That probably means they have a street agent or pimp AAU coach. If you want to read about how crazy it is, read Play their Hearts Out by George Dohrman. It says it all.

Also, a friend told me this saying about the summer circuit:"The names may change but the game remains the same." It is guard oriented. It is ball hog basketball, because there are motives here and they are 1) I want to get rated as the best and 2) I want to be a star. The kids are drilled into this mode. These are the motives that are eating at the fabric of the game. How many really tall guys do I see that go nowhere near the post because they want to be highlight reels. Note to you coaches, it is not a coincidence that Shaq and Tim Duncan won so many titles. Guards are nice, but a big man that is dominant can help you dominate. Yes, every once in a while you will see good team basketball in the summer. But in many cases it is ball hog basketball and you might never know how good the big men are.

What you are left with as a spectator is a really terrible game like the finals of the NCAA tournament this year. Fundamentals are overlooked the majority of the time, again not by all. The motivational factor for a ton of the coaches are What's in It for Me, or maybe they are a parent. There are a ton of unqualified coaches and the last 10 years has produced an AAU team on every street corner. I would say in the last 10 years AAU teams have doubled. And the play has watered down accordingly. Every kid thinks he is a D-1 player. In my mind there is nothing wrong with going to a good NAIA school or a good D-2 school and graduating. Every year a number of NAIA schools and D-2 Schools defeat D-1 teams. Fact is, many a D-1 school used to be D-2 not that long ago. Parents, D-2 is a free education. If that is what your child gets embrace it and make sure he graduates.

One coach that will be nameless had the exhibition rule named after him (colleges no longer get them thanks to his up front abuse...he was a Houston guy.) This same coach had the world by the tail. He had 3 surefire pro players on his summer team, and once you got past his arrogance he was a very good coach. That just wasn't enough. One game in LA we had the bleachers by the baseline. We had to go all the way to Los Angeles to play a Houston team that both coaches refused to play because their egos were too big. This team had some players our team cut. The game was close and a time out was called. All parents were on this little bleacher behind the huddle in the end zone baseline. He chewed his team out and said the other team sucked. When he sensed these parents coming out of the stands...parents who couldn't stand him... he started stammering "Oh don't get me wrong, now they are damn good."

This coach started a board of directors with connected wealthy businessmen who could mentor some of the players. One generous man started a tournament and brought LeBron James to Clear Lake High for a weekend tournament. He did it without blinking an eye. He gave the coach money for the foundation in cash. He spent over 5 grand on junk at the tennis shoe company executive store and brought back some rubber watches for the board. That was the final straw. Unfortunately, the board was going to do some good things for the players that did not get D-1 offers as now this guy had 4 teams. They were going to scour the NAIA and d-2 ranks for some scholarships. Never happened.

AAU coaches will tell you that they are getting these guys scholarships. Most of the guys on the team above had them in the bag without ever playing a minute of AAU ball. AAU ball had nothing to do with their getting a full ride. These guys had the scholarship in the bag.

But the high school season is meaningless in most cases and the AAU guy has the free shoes.

I believe it is harder being a parent of a player than being a player. There is a ton of anxiety when scholarship times come. As a parent, you don't need behind the scene deals that can affect the integrity of your child.

Words Not Meant but Words That Kill

People will say almost anything in the heat of competition. Most of the times these words are not meant but are said in the heat of the moment. In the emotion of the event, especially when there is a crowd present and the stakes are fairly high, these words can kill. They can kill friendships, relationships and in the worst case scenario people.

I was playing in a big high school game in what was another lifetime. This was a time when every kid seemed to go to the games and I went to a very big high school of around five thousand kids. And, to show you how crazy it was, sometimes the students would attend the games with their parents. How uncool in these days in times, right children. Yet then it was common.

I was going to ask a very nice girl out. This in itself was going to be quite a chore in and of itself, because my dad made sure I understood basketball and books and that was it....girls would destroy both, or so I was brainwashed.

When this lovely creature came into the gym, the game was in progress. Yours truly was in mid air drifting out of bounds by the baseline. As this was happening I screamed a profanity laced tirade about 2 feet from her. She and her parents heard every word, and these words were much less accepted during that era. I got up and ran down court, but the damage was done. Words from my emotional mouth destroyed any chance for a date with this young lady. (Note, it was probably just as well. I was totally lacking in what girls want at that age...money and a nice ride. My parents car was called the "gas mobile" because it smelled like fumes. It was a white Chevy station wagon with no air and a stick shift...yes no air in Phoenix, Arizona. Also, I would have had a price to pay with my dad. If I had a bad game within a month of a date he would have reminded me in no uncertain terms. On top of that I still had some pimples the Clearasil wouldn't hide. And then what would I talk about? Pro Wrestling or back episodes of Dragnet?? So it was good it did not go down.)

Now let's fast forward to modern times. Kobe Bryant recently called a referee a name that questioned his sexuality and some would say his manhood. Some even say that using this word that starts with an F is the latest form of racism. Now, lets say for openers this is happening in a competition that is really serious. There is a crowd that very few can even imagine playing in front of and the stakes are huge. Let's also admit that Kobe is definitely the alpha dog and with the game on the line, he might really get carried away and have that hair trigger moment at anytime. So Kobe uses a word that suggests the ref is gay.

Later, he gets fined for 100k. I would be willing to wager Kobe did not mean that word, but in the heat of competition, things really tend to slip out. Remember, this game was played in a huge arena. A big fine was paid and the league and Kobe apologized profusely. This time the word did not kill much except probably some momentum in a game now long over. Personally, I believe he did not mean what he said.

However, many times, in many cities, this very word has sparked many a fight and has no doubt resulted in a number of deaths. When it was said during those circumstances, was it said out of fear and was it really meant? I have no idea. This brings back the saying, "I am the master of my words until they leave my mouth". Words. They can kill relationships and much more, even if you don't mean them and just say them in the emotion of the moment.

**********************************************************************************

Bill Simmons talks how he would settle the strike in the NBA and how it differs from the NFL strike. Very funny and good as usual. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6749669/if-ruled-nba-world

Are women better team mates? Check this article out: http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-plaschke-20110717,0,6408488.column

How Good are these Guys? A Journeyman NBA Player

I hear the following statement and have to cringe: "Chris Bosh sucks." I heard that more than a few times during the season and the playoffs as well. He would usually follow up the bad game with a super game the next time out. So really, how good are they, these players in the NBA?

I was at the John Lucas workouts at the Rice University basketball practice courts a few years back watching the college players and the NBA players go through the drills. This was the place where aspiring collegians drafted from around the country would work on their games. Pros coming into a contract year would come to polish their chops hoping to hit the jackpot with a big contract. The highlights after the drills were done were the scrimmages.

Cutino Mobley was on one team and he was going against a major d-1 guard on a top twenty five team. Cutino Mobley was a very talented player but definitely not an NBA superstar. The guard he was going against was a player who might have been a marginal NBA player if he was not so injury prone. In fact, this guard was for sure better than any guard on my college team and most of the college guards we played against.

There is an unwritten rule that you don't get too hot and heavy in the scrimmages. The pros definitely don't want to risk injury for a meaningless game and neither do the collegians. However, the collegian got into Cutino's face a little too much and what happened next was ugly. Only it wasn't what you would expect.

Cutino Mobley took the young man to school. He demanded the ball every time down, and the pros always get it in these situations. Only he demanded the ball in the post. Instead of doing guard moves, Mobley abused the collegian down low. It was pretty crazy and it was like it was nothing for him. Cutino was getting fouled and just kept doing drop steps, slamming, just basic basketball moves that a big man would envy. All the moves were fundamental. He was getting fouled hard but it didn't matter. All the moves were basic non flashy moves. On defense he completely shut his adversary down. It was sad to watch because I know the young man.

The next time you hear some person say on a talk show that so and so is sorry, take it to the bank that he probably isn't. Because a pro like Cutino Mobley made an excellent college player look like a grade schooler. That's how good these guys are. And Chris Bosh definitely does not suck. He is most excellent.

****************************************************************************

I almost have to laugh when I hear people talk about the college game being better than NBA basketball. This season was one of the best in recent years. We had great players in their twilight like Dirk Nowitzki and Kobe Bryant. We had superstars that were in their prime like Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Amare Stoudamire, Carmelo Anthony and more. And the up and comers like Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant.

Yes, it is a long season. I get that. I also don't know how they play so many games. A 30 game schedule can break down a very good athlete. Most of these players will pay the price dearly later in life. The joints of the human body can only take so much pounding.

It is a shame the NBA season is headed for a possible prolonged work stoppage. This is even more so after such a great season. I get it. Unlike the NFL, the NBA is not a cash cow for many teams, especially the smaller markets. This is a sport that financially has to get some kind of grip.

*******************************************************************************

Everything that has been said and thought about the NBA playoffs has been written. Here are a couple of final thoughts:

I'm not going to pile on Lebron and the Heat. He has never been picked up for any problems we are aware of. It does strike me as strange that he does not move without the ball or have any kind of post up game. He had an old Jason Kidd on him and refused to back him down and shoot a mid range turn around. Hopefully he works on this. Everyone says he chokes...another thing I am getting tired of hearing. We all wish we could choke as well if this is choking.

Speaking of chokers, it wasn't that long ago that that label was put on Dirk. He has shed the label as well. As for me and most of you, I think I speak for us all when I think "I wish I was good enough to just be the last man on the bench of an NBA team playing in the championship."

Fantasy Football Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

As they used to say in the old Dragnet series, "The following story is true, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

It was going to be a fabulous Fantasy Football League. It was called the Overweight Bozo's Of Europe or OBOE. And nobody was from Europe. The Commissioner was Joe, our used car manager. There were eight players involved in OBOE who each paid a two hundred dollar entry fee. The $1600 pool was to be divided between eight hundred paid to the regular season winner and the other eight to the super bowl winner. I won't bore you with the details of the way everything was determined. However, Joe the commissioner went as far as getting a separate bank account for the money so everything was above reproach.

The season came and went and our Finance Manager, Mark (his real name), won the regular season as well as the super bowl. He is a really competitive east coast guy and was psyched about the payout. He is also very tight. We had to nag him for 2 years to get new shoes and he finally relented and went on E-bay to buy some of the finest used loafers money could buy. We called him "Dead Mans' shoes". I couldn't blame him for being budget conscious as he was only making a small fortune every month.

Mark asked Joe to pay him off and Joe said he only had $1000. Let's just say Mark went off in a way that would make any East Coast Italian proud. He ground up Joe every day as he got paid in piece meal portions. Joe was making great money as well. "You spent the fantasy football money?? What are you, the lowest mooch in the world?" Okay, we're trying to keep it clean here. It was alot more personal and vulgar.

The months flew by and Joe found another job at a nearby Ford agency. Mark swore he would get even and he said he would leave me out of the loop and would not tell me until the prank was done. Mark and a friend were legendary for sending people that were goofballs on "road trips." His favorite saying was "you can beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride." He had a friend who would make the calls for him. This guy was a pro and was very convincing. He once had a guy fly to Seattle for a deep sea fishing job. After playing the stunt they told the lot boy not to fly to Seattle, but he did anyway. Of course they never heard of him when he arrived in Seattle, but luckily, he got hired. Most of the people involved in their pranks were not this lucky.

Joe the Fantasy Football president, got a call, in fact several calls from a big Austin Chevy dealership. "Hi my name is Mr. Jones and I've heard about you Joe, from a head hunter that says you are the best. Now I have to call you because right now I am just a consultant for the dealer and will take the store over in the next month. I have heard about your talents. We offer a plan that will pay you as much as 30 grand a month once we have the dealership really running like it is capable. Your position is also granted 2 demos. You can take a Corvette as one of them, I don't care." Joe had many calls like this for a 2 week period.

When the time came for Joe to pick up his 2 demo's he was told that a limo would meet him at the Austin airport with driver meeting him with a sign bearing Joe's name. This was after all, a big time position. When the day came for Joe to go to Austin he had to hold a sales meeting at the dealership...the one he planned on quitting.

There are sales meetings and then there are ones for the ages and Joe put on one for the ages. The place Joe was presently working was a toilet, and that is being kind. "You are the weakest bunch of no good idiots I have ever seen! F*#@@ You and You and You. I have never seen a bigger bunch of bozos in my life." Joe went on to spew profanities for another 5 minutes and then threw the keys for his demo out the window. He told his adoring audience that he was done, to go to hell, and he was calling it quits.

Joe then got in his personal car and drove to Houston Hobby Airport for the flight to Austin for his dream job, where he would pick up his Corvette and Tahoe and make the move. After all, he had his ticket in hand sent personally in the dealerships envelope.

A crazy thing happened at the Austin airport. Apparently there was a huge mixup and the limo driver was not there. Since Joe was told not to call the dealership and ask for this Mr. Jones, Joe proceeded to take a taxi to the Chevrolet store. He asked for Mr. Jones and was given a curious look. There was no Mr. Jones at the dealership. In fact, security had to be called to haul Joe off the property. He was furious.

Mark told me this after the fact. I asked him about the airline ticket. His buddy who played Mr. Jones worked for the Chevy dealership and sent the ticket out in one of their envelopes. Mark said it was the best $89 he ever spent.

I always wondered why I got the strange phone calls that day from the dealership Joe was working for. It was very confusing because I was in no way involved in the prank. The only thing it has made me wary of is fantasy football. That stuff can kill ya.