As they used to say in the old Dragnet series, "The following story is true, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
It was going to be a fabulous Fantasy Football League. It was called the Overweight Bozo's Of Europe or OBOE. And nobody was from Europe. The Commissioner was Joe, our used car manager. There were eight players involved in OBOE who each paid a two hundred dollar entry fee. The $1600 pool was to be divided between eight hundred paid to the regular season winner and the other eight to the super bowl winner. I won't bore you with the details of the way everything was determined. However, Joe the commissioner went as far as getting a separate bank account for the money so everything was above reproach.
The season came and went and our Finance Manager, Mark (his real name), won the regular season as well as the super bowl. He is a really competitive east coast guy and was psyched about the payout. He is also very tight. We had to nag him for 2 years to get new shoes and he finally relented and went on E-bay to buy some of the finest used loafers money could buy. We called him "Dead Mans' shoes". I couldn't blame him for being budget conscious as he was only making a small fortune every month.
Mark asked Joe to pay him off and Joe said he only had $1000. Let's just say Mark went off in a way that would make any East Coast Italian proud. He ground up Joe every day as he got paid in piece meal portions. Joe was making great money as well. "You spent the fantasy football money?? What are you, the lowest mooch in the world?" Okay, we're trying to keep it clean here. It was alot more personal and vulgar.
The months flew by and Joe found another job at a nearby Ford agency. Mark swore he would get even and he said he would leave me out of the loop and would not tell me until the prank was done. Mark and a friend were legendary for sending people that were goofballs on "road trips." His favorite saying was "you can beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride." He had a friend who would make the calls for him. This guy was a pro and was very convincing. He once had a guy fly to Seattle for a deep sea fishing job. After playing the stunt they told the lot boy not to fly to Seattle, but he did anyway. Of course they never heard of him when he arrived in Seattle, but luckily, he got hired. Most of the people involved in their pranks were not this lucky.
Joe the Fantasy Football president, got a call, in fact several calls from a big Austin Chevy dealership. "Hi my name is Mr. Jones and I've heard about you Joe, from a head hunter that says you are the best. Now I have to call you because right now I am just a consultant for the dealer and will take the store over in the next month. I have heard about your talents. We offer a plan that will pay you as much as 30 grand a month once we have the dealership really running like it is capable. Your position is also granted 2 demos. You can take a Corvette as one of them, I don't care." Joe had many calls like this for a 2 week period.
When the time came for Joe to pick up his 2 demo's he was told that a limo would meet him at the Austin airport with driver meeting him with a sign bearing Joe's name. This was after all, a big time position. When the day came for Joe to go to Austin he had to hold a sales meeting at the dealership...the one he planned on quitting.
There are sales meetings and then there are ones for the ages and Joe put on one for the ages. The place Joe was presently working was a toilet, and that is being kind. "You are the weakest bunch of no good idiots I have ever seen! F*#@@ You and You and You. I have never seen a bigger bunch of bozos in my life." Joe went on to spew profanities for another 5 minutes and then threw the keys for his demo out the window. He told his adoring audience that he was done, to go to hell, and he was calling it quits.
Joe then got in his personal car and drove to Houston Hobby Airport for the flight to Austin for his dream job, where he would pick up his Corvette and Tahoe and make the move. After all, he had his ticket in hand sent personally in the dealerships envelope.
A crazy thing happened at the Austin airport. Apparently there was a huge mixup and the limo driver was not there. Since Joe was told not to call the dealership and ask for this Mr. Jones, Joe proceeded to take a taxi to the Chevrolet store. He asked for Mr. Jones and was given a curious look. There was no Mr. Jones at the dealership. In fact, security had to be called to haul Joe off the property. He was furious.
Mark told me this after the fact. I asked him about the airline ticket. His buddy who played Mr. Jones worked for the Chevy dealership and sent the ticket out in one of their envelopes. Mark said it was the best $89 he ever spent.
I always wondered why I got the strange phone calls that day from the dealership Joe was working for. It was very confusing because I was in no way involved in the prank. The only thing it has made me wary of is fantasy football. That stuff can kill ya.
