Monday, April 16, 2012

A Typical Sports Talk Show


Recently Jim Rome was cancelled in Houston so that we can get more sports news from our local sports jocks. While I'm not a huge Rome fan, I can say he is not a one trick pony like most of our local announcers. Now we have Texans 24/7 and there is only so much you can take. It's usually a cliche addled conversation that is the same day after day. In the end the best bet is to listen to some tunes because our local sports talk shows usually goes something like this:

"Hello out there in sports radio land in Houston and with us tonight we have me, Larry Warner and the Colonel, our own hometown newspaper pro football expert." (The colonel is blown up big from all the free buffets on the gridiron circuit and Larry just eats on air, you can hear him. The Colonel loves to fancy himself a movie expert and loves to drop names on a celebrity starved audience).

"Colonel, are the Texans going to draft for need or the best possible player?"

"Well, they generally draft for the best possible player...BUT, that reminds me in 81 when ole Bum just left the Oilers, they drafted for need when they could have had Padowski out of New Mexico School of Mines and Horseshoeing. Of course Padowski went on to a Hall of Fame career. And then of course last year they drafted for need and did well. But I contend best available."

"My man Colonel, its a little known fact that Wade Phillips, the real MVP of the Texans defense last year, has a method to his madness. You see, once he drafts the players, he invites them over for a game of lawn croquet at owner Bob McNairs mansion in River Oaks. Depending on the skill set he sees during that game, as well as a number of other things like composure...well, that's how he determines the scheme of the defense and where that player fits in."

"Larry, I was hopin you wouldn't let the cat out of the bag because these are cutting edge techniques. However, it's also a little known fact that Bob McNair plays in these games and when a ball hits his, he can whack it for miles with a stogie in his mouth and a blind fold on. This athleticism amazes these young whippersnappers. Why I remember when Soupy Sales had a Houston comedy tour and couldn't even hit our esteemed Texans owner in the face with a pie while he was blindfolded. That's why these croquet matches mean so much. Never underestimate the athleticism of croquet."

"Colonel, who are some of the prospects you see the Texans drafting in the 26 spot?"

"Well in my mock draft 8 point Zero, I am tabbing O'Houlihan out of Boston School of Oyster Shucking. He has all the intangibles and his pro day shined. He made up for a faulty combine with a dazzling display of talent. It's no wonder they call him the man with the disappearing hips."

"You know Colonel, O'Houlihan may only run a 5.7 forty, but all he does is get open. Despite the combine scores, you still have to be able to play the game. But what about the point shaving, and the loan sharking case against him. It looks like a tight case and Mr. McNair likes good character types?"

"Larry, that reminds me when I saw Brad Pitt once and I posed this question to him. And what he said was "What better way to learn the pitfalls of the game than to learn them young so the same mistakes do not get repeated. And, what better way to be prepared...there are some real organizational skills that come with loan sharking." But, I'm sure he's innocent. A nicer guy you've never met. Why just last week Tebow and him had a long discussion. And this week he's meeting with the Pope."

"Speaking of movies Colonel, what do you have for us?"

"Well Larry, I have the Sequel to the Three Stooges...It's called The 3 Stooges Eat a Watermelon and it's great fun for the whole family...In fact I have a bit part!"

"What is the part?"

"I play the part of a giant Watermelon, seeds and all. It is exciting what Hollywood is able to do with special effects and makeup!"

"That reminds me Colonel, that a great coach who will go unnamed had a test for all incoming draftees called the tri-fecta. First, he would match them up in checkers, then an obstacle course in hop scotch and finally a quick game of last man in the pool where if you were the last man in you won. The aggregate score determined the makeup of the offense and defense. Geez draftniks, this is just so exciting!"

SUDDENLY a Banging and loud noise:

"This is the owner of the network. I've listened to these numbskulls as long as I can and due to popular request we are posting a moratorium on any local sports talk about the Texans draft. In fact this station will be changed to the Stevie Ray Vaughn Network and play only Stevie's music and the music he liked by other like minded artists. Colonel and Larry, you may leave the studio!"