I was driving in my car when the little man in the radio said "tonight, the West Virginia Mountaineers host the LSU Tigers. West Virginia has a nickname that fits. They are, after all, the Mountain State. But other than the tiger in the cage in Baton Rouge, I have never seen a tiger in Louisiana. So, I have naturally volunteered my services and will try to rename a few names that seem appropriate.
University of Texas Longhorns-Really a fitting name...But whenever anyone comes to visit and they see those uniforms the band wears, they say "I told you it was this way in Texas." So we change the name to the Yahoos, in honor of the band uniforms and the boys that run onto the field in the Orange lame' cowboy suits while escorting their hallowed mascot Bevo. The Texas Yahoos. The helmets will have a big Y. Maybe they get a deal with Yahoo.com. to enhance the Longhorn network.
University of Arizona Wildcats will be changed to the Pollos and the helmets will have a big chicken on it. This will be in reference to all the illegal aliens crossing the border, called Pollos, or chickens in Spanish.
If U of Houston keeps the name Cougars, the logo has to have an outline of a woman in a tight dress smoking a cigarette while sitting on a bar stool, because there are no animal cougars in Houston except at the zoo.
Arizona State is pretty close with the Sun Devils, but how about "The Bubblers"? The helmet could have a house with a foreclosure notice on it in honor of the housing bubble in the Valley of the Sun.
Ohio State changes to the Ink Dogs in honor of the tattoos. The helmet has a tattoo artist sitting on a stool wearing a beret.
There's not too many bears in the Bay Area, so U Cal Berkley gets changed to the Bongsters in honor of the heritage laid down by the hippies of Haight Ashbury. The helmets could have the five fingered leafed plant, with a special Nike Combat uniform with all numbers designed as bongs and rolling papers.
Miami is hurricane country no doubt, but how about renaming the team the Wise Guys, in honor of all the East Coasters who think there are only two places in the world, Miami and Jersey.
Kentucky goes from the Wildcats to the Stillmen. Helmets have the new logo which is a jug of corn squeezins.
Southern Cal changes from the Trojans to the Country Clubbers and their helmets sport the tennis racket and golf iron criss crossed like the bones on a skull and cross bones . This is, after all, the school where mommy and daddy send you if you can't make the cut to Stanford.
Arkansas goes right to the name Hillbillies. Great marketing possibilities with any number of symbols for the helmets.
UTEP goes from The Miners to the Cartel. No big explanation needed being on the border with Juarez.
The Sooners of Oklahoma immediately change their name to the University of Oklahoma Texans in honor of all the Texas players on their football team. It just fits.
Oklahoma State changes their name to the T-Bones in honor of T-Boone Pickens and his generosity to the athletic department. Possibly dollar signs on their helmets or one of Boones new windmills.
UCLA immediately changes the name to the Surfers and has a surfboard on the helmet. When's the last time you saw a bruin in L.A.?
At Texas A and M, we rename them the Turf Kings. It is the home of agriculture correct? But we name them the new name because they recently changed to Astro Turf on the football field to keep the homecoming queen from eating the grass....(The world's oldest joke, had to say it.)
And finally, pick a team, any team in the SEC and rename them the Rednecks.
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